I suppose the fact that Christmas and my birthday are so close in time, makes me feel more sensitive than usual, because it means the end and the start of a new year, global and personal at the same time. I usually look back to reflect on what life has provided me in these last twelve months. And, as I am (in a general way) a positive person –with my bad moments as any other human- I prefer to remember the good things and forget the bad ones. Unfortunately this year has been full of those bad moments. Of course, if someone look at me from the outside could think I’m being negative without reasons and he might be right. But the year has been bad not because of the situations I’ve been through but because of the way I’ve been feeling about them. I’ve spent the most part of the time immersed in a sea of doubts; feeling lost, useless, helpless, sad and paralysed; wondering what was wrong with me… and these feelings were so strong and constant that left me exhausted and almost unable to feel anything.
But, now, even if the situation has not changed at all, I’m starting to feel better because I’ve made a decision, a difficult one, and only time will tell me if it’s right or wrong. But I’m determined to carry it out to the bitter end. And the only reason why I’ve been strong enough to make that decision is because I’ve never been alone. The support I’ve received from all my family and friends has been my strength, my boost, my head and my legs to walk this path I’ve chosen.
So, in the end, as I mention before, as I’m a rather positive person, I only want to think about this: the fact that I’m a lucky woman who is surrounded by awesome people who are always willing to help me, to hold me, to hug me and to do all they can for me. I think of all of them as my family; those who God, Fortune or Nature gave me (my parents, my sisters…) and, as a very close friend says, the family I chose: my friends. I don’t mean I prefer my friends to my “real” family (well, maybe sometimes) but they are why I feel proud of myself. Because in spite of all my defects, I’ve managed to keep them around me, to make them love me (or at least that’s what they say). And not only I’ve kept them but I’ve even got some new friends!!
Life is a cruel lady but I have to thank her for all the love I’ve got around me. Pure, honest, unselfish and generous love. That love I feel when my little niece put her little arms around my neck, her wet lips on my cheek and her head on my shoulder. That love I feel when my sisters mock of me for my gestures of antisocial personality. That love I feel when my parents phone me three or four times a day to know how I’m doing (even if sometimes they drive me mad). That love I feel when a friend tweets me about the man we’re sharing in the near future, or enlighten me about the things she likes and I end up liking too. That love I feel when a friend sends me incomprehensible messages late at night, or even when he doesn’t answer any e-mail. That love I feel when I open the letter-box and there’s a thick envelope with my name on the front and a friend’s on the back. That love I feel when a friend helps me with my grammatical doubts and click “like it” at almost every comment I post in Facebook. That love I feel when a friend makes me laugh as we were mad when people fall at our feet for no reason, or shares with me our absolute scorn for the human race (except for ourselves, of course). That love I feel when a friend spend her spare time making little presents for me, or when she use her influences to get me some “cultural” privileges. That love I feel when old friends ask me to be part of one the happiest day of their lives. That love I feel when friends I’ve not talked to for a long time send me a message and tell me how they miss me. That love I feel when a friend tells me first a secret she has because she thinks I’m not going to judge or betray her. That love I feel when they let me be part of their lives and when they want to be part of mine. I don´t mention any name because I’m sure I’d forget some and I don´t want to. But I guess you can recognise yourself in these words.
And all this, whenever and wherever I go, no matter for how long, I’ll take it with me, deep in my heart and in my mind. And I’m sure that even in the darkest moments you’ll put a smile on my face because you’re the light that never goes. My light. Thank you all for being there. I love you all.
PS. And, of course, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!